I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
