ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
