Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
