thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
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