He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
