4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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