You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
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Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
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Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
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