Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
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