Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize