would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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