I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
