Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
i need some magic done to my vagina
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
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