wakey wakey hands off snakey
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
