he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
