Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
