I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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