So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
