He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize