He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
