Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
I did not marry a roomba.
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