Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
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I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
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Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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