Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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