I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
