atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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