i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Do you remember whose house we're in?
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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