my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
