Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
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