Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
He did a backflip because drugs
Randomize
