I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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