My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
