What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
