i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
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