Just fell off a train. Bad.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
