omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
