I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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