Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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