david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
