I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
you inspire me to be a worse person
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
