Do you still have your period?
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
