I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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