No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
