It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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