**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
you never un-have a 4some
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
