NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Randomize
