I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
