Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Randomize
