I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Randomize
