I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.