So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
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