my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
My throat feels like a candle.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
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I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
ttyl tear gas
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
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He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek