My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Randomize
