my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
