life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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