How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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