Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Randomize
