Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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