Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
