You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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