I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I could make wine with my vomit
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
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