I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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