Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Randomize
