If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
