is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Randomize
