apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
