I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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